The Watchers Council want Dracula, and sick of their bickering, Giles does a spell so that
Buffy will take to working with Spike a little easier. The job is a big one, and as usual, nothing runs smoothly for anyone………except
the blindly hot sex!
“Bloody ‘ell Slayer…you punch ‘em in the face first, then you
kick ‘em in the nuts, not the other way round, it’s hard to land a decent punch to the head if there already doubled
Spike griped, dabbing at his bleeding nose, having caught an un-necessary punch because of
her, what he considered ‘sloppy technique’.
“You do it your way…that’s why your nose looks like it does!” Buffy
“My nose looks like this slayer, because of your bloody piss-poor fighting!” The
grin left her face and she scowled at him, hissing
“Right! That’s it! Go away, keep well away from ME! Right away, keep out of my
sight, leave town! I’ve had enough of you and your so called ‘helping’ I always end up rescuing you, the
majority of the time, anyway!”
Buffy stomped on ahead, slamming open the door to the Magic Box. Giles had heard them bickering
all down the road…
“Oh yeah?” Spike closed the door, and followed her all through the shop.
“Yeah” They both sat at the table, waiting for Giles.
“Seems some of those blows you get to the head are causing you brain damage…some
sort of amnesia, love… that must be it! Whom rescuing whom? So, tell me, who killed the Maharmos for you the other week?”
“That was different, it had poisonous spines…” Buffy studied her nails.
“The Styk demon then?”
“You need preternatural sight to see those properly…” she bit her bottom
“The chaos demon”
“Its horns were all ew, and, and drippy and…I couldn’t get a decent hold
on them…” Buffy looked everywhere other than Spike.
“Always some bloody excuse… The succubus, then”
“She was invisible…well to me she was” Buffy had to turn away…
“He…hold on! **I** killed the Mugglewart”
“No you didn’t, you only stabbed it in the one heart, you have to do the two in
order to kill it”
“Really?” Buffy frowned, then turned away again.
“I saved you from that Tickle-Me-Elmo thingy”
“The wha- oh…the Tykulemo. Only because it got in a lucky hit because of your bad
Spike suppressed a smile. Buffy had her back to him now, as she couldn’t suppress
hers. He was right, (As usual) but it would be a cold day in hell before she’d admit it…
Giles closed his takings ledger, and sighed, he looked across at the duo…he had a BIG
job for them…a really big important job, and it needed the two of them, and they needed to work together 100%, because
Buffy’s very existence could possibly depend on Spike…
“Trying to teach her a better fighting technique…call yourself a Watcher? …She’s
an awful fighter!” Spike said, putting his feet up on the table, crossing them while teetering on the back two legs
of the chair.
“Now, you two, play nice! Buffy go make some tea!” Giles instructed. Delaying tactics
as to what he’d got to ask, or rather tell them…
“NO! Me, I’ll do it, she makes bloody awful tea…the gods alone know what
she actually does to it to make it taste so bloody awful…”
Spike righted his chair and quickly went to the kitchen, the little curtained off area that
housed a small sink unit, a wall cupboard, a work surface and a fridge. On top of the work surface was a microwave oven and
a kettle. Spike filled the kettle and put it onto boil, and set about rinsing mugs and getting the tray ready.
Buffy was fuming; she narrowed her eyes at the vampire’s retreating back.
“Giles, remind me again just WHY I have to have him tagging along all the time?”
Buffy huffed, folding her arms and pouting. Spike watched her from the kitchen. He smiled.
He loved it when she was all indignant and thought she knew better…but fair play to her, she always took what he said
to her on board, and did what he suggested the next time around, and not that she’d ever admit it, and she really liked
having someone of her equal to help…
“Buffy…Spike’s a ‘master vampire’ he has incredible strengths…be
guided by him, will you?”
“Huh…master vampire indeed…their standards MUST be slipping, tsk” Buffy
“I HEARD that, slayer!” Spike swished the little curtain aside and glared at her.
Buffy tried to suppress a grin…she studied her shoes instead.
Giles despaired…cleaned his glasses, fit enough to rub a whole right through the lenses…
“Tea up!” Spike announced, bringing in the tea tray.
“Thought you’d gone to bloody grow the stuff too, time it took you!” Buffy
groused, helping herself to a mugful.
“Well, you see slayer, that’s where you and I differ, I actually let the
kettle boil, and then I let the tea brew before it’s poured. The gnat’s-piss you make, huh, it’s
a wonder it can crawl out of the pot it’s so bloody weak!”
Spike said, sitting back savouring the brew. Buffy scowled. Everybody said she made lousy tea…
Giles watched them bicker, and despaired that they’d EVER get long.
“So, come on, what do you want to ask me…us?” Buffy asked rolling her eyes.
“Do you think that…well…look…do you think that you could actually work
with each other, for once…I mean could you try and get on…like him a little?” Giles asked, despairing.
Buffy made a big eyed frown
“Do I LIKE him? – Hello – he’s a vampire, I’m a slayer!”
“Course she likes me…why does she let me save her so often, else?” Spike
“YOU save ME – Don’t make me laugh”
“Always has to be the eternal pissing contest with you, doesn’t it?”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“Children…” Giles said wearily…they all drank their (delicious) tea.
Giles was relieved when they left, still bickering, about whether it was better to inflict as much pain as possible to the
demon, or just to go straight in with the stake.
There was nothing else for it, desperate measures and all that, they were going to need a little
‘Ah, this should do it…’ Giles said to himself, taking out a small, and very
old book from the top shelf. ‘Spells of the Heart’ the front cover read.
Sitting at the table, Giles sipped his (very) large Scotch he’d treated himself to, he
needed it to unwind after those two and their constant arguing…He flipped through the various pages…hmm, this
one looks interesting…
’A spell to bond temporarily’…He wrote in his leather bound notebook the
items required…herbs…lighted candles…Live chicken’s blood- ah, no, ok, next one…
‘Sacrifice one goat kid for each…um, no………ah,
‘Take the wrists of the couple to be bonded and cut so that the blood can mingle freely….’
I don’t think so!………
Oh, this one looks better;
‘Binding Spell’ ‘may take a little time, not an instant spell, for couples
that severely dislike one another’ was all that had been translated from the ancient Sumerian. “This one will
do” Giles said quietly to himself.
It was his fault that he didn’t take a little time out, and bother to translate the rest
of the text, or even bother to translate the text properly, for ‘binding’ read ‘bonding,’ it
would have told him this; ‘Care must be taken with this spell, even a hint of like or admiration will be many times
magnified, and the binding would be made permanent and of deep love if such feelings were encountered initially, this spell
is sometimes…Giles couldn’t read the next word, ‘permanent’, but he’d already decided that this
was the one he wanted to use anyway.
………Hmm, just an incantation, the couple’s names written on a piece
of paper, and something that belonged to each of them able to be burned…Giles got up, and went into the training room.
He fished out an old and bloodstained tee shirt of Spike’s, and from the waste paper basket, some hair of Buffy’s
cleaned out of her hairbrush.
Giles ripped a piece of cloth from the shirt, wrapped the hair in it, wrote ‘Spike, William
the Bloody’ and Buffy Anne Summers on a piece of paper, said the incantation, asked Aphrodite, and Cupid to smile on
his request, burnt the offering, buried the ashes.
The spell was cast.
He felt a little guilty. If Buffy knew…she’d…he shuddered, didn’t bear
thinking about! I mean, it was ridiculous! A Watcher, doing a spell of the heart to temporarily bond two people, well, one
person and a demon, so they would stop bickering long enough to get a job done…he’d be hounded out of the Watcher’s
Guild if they knew…Right, the next thing he had to do, was to convince the couple in question to actually DO the job…
Tentatively, Giles opened the door to Spike’s crypt. He
was sitting on the sofa, reading, did a double take when he saw who it was.
“What do you want?” Spike asked, more in surprise than anything.
“Erm…I need to s-s-speak to -” Spike rolled his eyes, closed his book, and
“You need, to shut the bleeding door mate, I’ll have leaves and rats and all sorts
“Oh, erm r-r-right, er s-s-sorry” Giles turned, closed the door.
“Well, I’m waiting?”
“W-W-Well, um it’s l-l-like th-this…”
“For the gods sake, stop mumbling in the dark, come in say your piece, the sooner you
tell me the sooner you can piss…” Spike looked cockily at the nervous watcher. ‘Now here’s a turn
up’ Spike thought
“Um, yes, right, well, the um, the Ball for St. Vigius”
“What about it?” Spike frowned
“I take it, you’re going…?”
“You take it wrong, no, I’m not, goodnight” Spike said, returning to his
“May, erm, m-m-may one ask w-w-why not?”
“Oh, you’re still here. (He stood up, leaving his open book on he couch.) Well,
if it’s ANY of your business………which it isn’t, so……… on your way” Spike
suddenly said, taking a couple of steps towards Giles.
“But I only…”
“Don’t care, sod off”
“If an invites the problem…” Giles began. Spike frowned. The Ball for St
Vigius, was renowned for it’s sumptuous luxury, no expense was spared, on good food, rarest wines and spirits, certain
‘illegal’ substances of the purest kind…freshest blood, every delight that a vampire could ever want.
His face screwed up in disgust, Spike blustered,
“Why would you think that I, William the Bloody, would go to a great big prancing poofy
party like that, that’s more Angel’s style, huge big ponce he is” Spike added for good measure.
He strutted about a bit.
“Ah, y-y-yes, w-w-well, um, y-y-you s-s-s-see, they know about h-h-his s-s-soul, whereas
you, on the, the, other h-h-hand, a-a-a-are, um…”
“THE biggest bad Motherfu………hold on, YOU could get me an invite?”
Spike’s demeanour suddenly changed again. Without a word, Giles held up a black deckle
edged card with gold lettering.
Spike’s eyebrows rose, he reached for the card, but Giles was too quick, and put it back
inside his filofax.
“Huh, forgery!” Spike said, half turning away from the watcher, and then he added,
“Bye, just let the door hit you on the arse on the way out”
“It’s not a forgery, it’s real alright” Giles said. Spikes eye’s
narrowed, and he turned to face the watcher again, advancing a few steps towards him.
“So why, would you, be coming to me, with a ticket to vampire paradise, I wonder, hmm?”
“Th-thought you, you, you’d l-l-like to go”
“What have I got to do?” Spike sighed, asked suspiciously turning fully towards
“Um, take Buffy” Spike nodded, then he realised what Giles had just said.
“WHAT!!! – With the risk of sounding like John MacEnroe, You CANNOT be serious”
Spike was wide eyed with incredulity.
“I th-thought you’d say that” Giles bit his bottom lip, removing his glasses.
“What do you expect? Gods, it would be like taking a naked flame into a, a, a bloody
firework factory! ” He threw his hands up in the air, rather pleased with his analogy.
“Hmm, yes, well, I-I-I-if she promised not to s-s-s-s-stake anyone?” he put his
glasses back on. Spike stopped pacing and faced the watcher.
“Like I’d believe you!” Spike said, sarcastically, nodding slowly.
“She wouldn’t…” Giles said, pushing his glasses up his nose.
“So, let me get this straight, you want me, to take the slayer to a vampire party, and
she’s going to, what, get a spontaneous attack of amnesia, and totally forget she’s the slayer, and not make all
and sundry get intimately acquainted with Mr Pointy, have I got that?”
“And I had this frontal lobotomy, when?” Spike quirked an eyebrow, and was just
about to bundle the watcher out of his crypt, when Giles added,
“She’ll be under your thrall”
“Under my thrall…WHAT? - Are you for real? - Come on, what have you done with the
real Giles, eh? – Where is he?”
“Spike, it’s me, I know what I’m saying…” Spike decided to humour
the watcher; he folded his arms and leant against the crypt wall. After a minute or two Spike said,
“So. You do know that to be under my thrall for any decent length of time, I’d
have to bite her”
“Yes…” Giles said, a little flatly, looking down at his shoes, then up into
the vampire’s face. The idea suddenly began to REALLY appeal to Spike………
“So, again, why, yadda, yadda, yadda?”
“Well, when I say she won’t stake anyone…”
Spike rolled his eyes, ‘here we go…’ he thought.
“It’ll be just the one”
“Just the one, whom?” Spike enunciated every word, like he was talking to a six
“Dracula” Giles said seriously. A huge grin spread over Spike’s face, he
looked at Giles wide eyed, still grinning, then he gave a snort of derision.
“Ha! Now I KNOW you’re seriously off your trolley, anyway, how do you know he’s
going? – I mean, he’s not usually one for crowds…unless it’s-!” Spike was trying to think.
“It is. Special one that is; twenty five years since he went to the last one” Giles
said. Spike dismissed Giles with a,
“Pfft, you MUST be off your trolley!”
“No.” Giles said, nervously, but with as much conviction as he could muster.
“YES. Do you KNOW how many minions he has around him – not to mention his ‘brides’,
if she can get anywhere near him at all, which I very much doubt…he’ll only re-materialise in an instant, anyway.”
“Ah, that’s it, with this special…um, (thinking quickly, Giles thought it
best not to give too much away, this sort of knowledge meant power…so he tried a different tack) ok, you’re too
scared, I understand…” he turned to leave.
Spike dashed to the door, stood in front of it to prevent Giles from leaving.
“What, never! I’m not scared, of anything, or anybody, not even feisty blonde slayers…it’s
just that if I take the slayer there, and she off’s old Drac…I’m quite attached to me old wrinklies see”
Spike said, truthfully, grabbing his crotch, knowing full well that he’d be parted from them in an instant if he was
“Don’t worry, once the deed is done, we’d get you out, safely” Spike
quirked an eyebrow, looked disbelievingly at Giles.
“And I believe you, because?”
“Well, to put it bluntly, you’re useful.”
Giles said, truthfully. Spike said,
“One more question, does the slay- erm, I mean, does Buffy know about this, yet?”
“Ahh” Giles said, and gave Spike a rueful look, biting his bottom lip. Spike just rolled his eyes, let out a big sigh. He began to think…what were the odds of this…’escapade’
for want of a better word, succeeding - - with them both coming out of it alive – well ok, Buffy still alive, and he
still intact, and in existence? About 5%………Ok, he’d do it! ‘Coz that’s the kind of vampire
I am…’Spike said out loud.
Buffy came into the shop. Giles looked up from the book he was reading. The first thing that
Buffy saw, was Spike’s duster hanging up. She frowned as she draped her scarf over her coat on the hook.
Coming around the bookcase, she saw Spike sitting with his feet up on the table, his chair
teetering on the back two legs, reading a newspaper. She stood, arms folded across her chest, leaning on one hip.
“What’s he doing here?” With a nod of her head towards him, she glared at
Spike, but was talking to Giles.
“And bollocks to you too, madam!” Spike said, without looking up from the newspaper.
“Ah, Buffy, g-glad you’re h-here, um, yes, right, erm…” Giles had taken
his glasses off, put them back on, and taken them off again in that one stuttering sentence of his. Buffy arched her brow.
“Er, Spike, if you d-d-don’t m-mind” Giles looked at him.
“Your place, you go in the training room if you want to tell her ladyship here, I’m
reading.” With that, Spike shook the newspaper once, and went back to reading.
“Buffy, if you wouldn’t mind…” Giles stood, and held out his arm towards
the training room door, Buffy frowned, narrowed her eyes at Spike, and followed Giles into the training room.
Spike who wasn’t really reading, began to listen to Giles’ low murmur, and although
he couldn’t hear exactly what Giles was saying, he reckoned, what, thirty…no forty seconds with all the stuttering
the Watcher was surely going to do while he explained………’thirty five, thirty six, thirty seven, thirty
“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND!?” Spike heard from the training room. Grinning
broadly as the door flew open and one VERY pissed off slayer came stomping into the shop, still shouting.
“THERE’S NO WAY ON THIS EARTH, I’M DOING THAT, WITH HIM!” Still scowling,
she turned her wrath on Spike.
“And I don’t know what you’re grinning at, I’m sure!”
“Well, put it this way sweetheart, I’m just about as enthused as you over this
“Shyeah, right! THAT’S why you’re sitting there now grinning like a lunatic,
like it hasn’t been your every dream to bite me and have me in your thrall since the moment you clapped eyes on me!”
Deciding to needle her just a little bit more, Spike used one of her corrupt speech patterns,
“Huh, ego much, blondie?” Buffy blinked and then narrowed her eyes at him.
Spike took his feet off the table, and folded the paper, throwing it on the table, and stood
“What day is the party?” Spike asked Giles.
“Right, we’ll start after patrol tonight, she, needs lessons on how to act around
vampires” Spike said, talking about Buffy as if she wasn’t there.
“I KNOW how to act around vampires, thankyou very much, I do this, (she mimed a staking)
and then they fit into an ashtray, end of story!”
Giving her a false grin, Spike narrowed his eyes, shook his head at her.
“Ok, um, back here at say… m-m-m-midnight?” Giles said, looking from Spike
Spike nodded. Buffy looked cross.
“What part of ‘there no way on this earth I’m doing that with him’
don’t you understand?” Buffy said through gritted teeth at Giles.
“Buffy, I…” Giles began; he removed his glasses. Spike strolled to the shop
door, gliding, panther like, stalking his prey. Without turning till he stood in the open doorway, he said,
“You’ll do it Buffy, coz you’re just big headed enough to want to be THE
one to go down in history as the slayer that off’d Dracula” Spike left.
Buffy stared at the door long after he’d gone. Giles put the snick up on the door, turned
“What does he mean, ‘act around vampires?’”
“Ah, well, s-s-s-submissive, er, you’ll have to be s-s-s-subservient…and
not sh-show any dominance at all, Buffy don’t look at me like that, It makes me think you want to hurt me” Buffy
said nothing at first, scowled, and then smiled.
“Training. Come on, pad up Giles” Giles swallowed, nodded and almost reluctantly
followed her back into the training room, thinking, huh, so much for my temporary bonding spell…